What’s the matter with you then?

Oh No, It’s happened again. At a party or a small social gathering, or a get-together in the pub, you are quite happy when up comes the well-being ascertainer, with this immortal question.

‘What’s the matter with you then?’  

I  think that people who ask this question are misfits, bringers-down, not good for anything much except ‘deeming’ the miserable. A sure sign of oddity is that they do it with a humorous relish, not sympathy. Your whole family might just have been wiped out.  They don’t know.

I’ll give you my suggested answers to the question later, first let’s look at the phenomena more closely.

The ‘Deemer.’, especially if he has an audience will follow up with some of the following bon mots.

‘Cheer up it may never happen’…..Great Hilarity, always a favourite.

‘Cheer up you’ll frighten the kids’. ……Sniggering.

‘ Ditto the dog’……..paroxysms of mirth.

‘ You look as if you’ve lost a pound and found sixpence’…..This pre-decimal gem gives the ‘Deemer’ much kudos, he can even make capital out of your conversation the following day, i.e.

‘Old Cuthbert put a right damper on proceedings last night didn’t he.   Talk about depressing everybody.  I tried to get him out of it, hopeless.’

We, me, are and am the subject of this sort of treatment. With ‘victim’ on my forehead I have had this sort of treatment a number of times despite being in the best of humours.  It is mysterious. Look at Claude at the same party. He is a monosyllabic, graceless, sour oaf.  He said two words instead of one and was virtually Ken Dodd.

The more miserable you are, the happier is the ‘Deemer’ by virtue of the jollity theory.  Jollity is not abundant, it is finite and unequally shared.

You may be like me, one of natures unfortunates who are invariably deemed miserable. Never mind the gargantuan efforts you make when in company…talk to all, introduce strangers, keep plying food and drink, compliment all on something, dress, tie, jowls, anything.  Nervous energy expended at a prodigious rate. And you are always like it, tottering from the sick bed to distribute the coffee and cakes.

We, Les Miserables,  are like it because we can see the big picture.  The World, sea birds with oil on them, bad water for kids, street children, Australians.  If you see all this and, as usual,  are trying to hold the Earth together for another day by sheer willpower, of course it will show in your face.

You may also be cursed with a genetic slight downturn of the corners of the mouth. Uncle Cedric had it worst. So your normal expression, indeed your genial expression, looks as if you are staring into an open grave.

If you are with someone else, your wife or similar, often they are addressed by the ‘Deemer.’ Thus.

‘Look at ‘im.  You want to give him some happy pills or he’ll turn the cream cakes sour.’  Ha Ha Ha.

So what do you say to:- ‘What’s the matter with you then?

Under no circumstances say ‘Nothing.’ Because they will come back at you with five minutes of ‘Blimey you could have fooled me.  You look as if you’ve got the troubles of the world on your shoulders. (You have actually) Bad day at work?  Her indoors been getting on at you? Your face wont crack if you smile you know’…etc etc..

‘I’ve got a brain tumour, I’ll be dead by Friday.’

It’s a lie you can’t say it.

 ‘I’m alright.’ 

‘Alright?  Alright?  I’ve seen corpses look more cheerful than you do.

Hey everybody.  Old misery-guts has arrived.’

You could keep silent, rush at him, grab him, pull him to the floor with you and roll about fighting.  This is actually the best suggestion but it might be thought drastic as the question is regarded as very inoffensive, virtually a pleasantry and showing commendable concern for ones fellow man.

The correct thing to do is give a short duration grin. Utter a couple of non-meaning words like ‘Uh-Ha.’ and move on.

Don’t look round, he’s pushing up his nose and pulling down his mouth and pointing at your back. It must be nice to be like him. .